It's Time to Regulate

When you’re a therapist you hear lots of things. And, typically patterns begin to emerge and hopefully mesh with some theory or another that you’ve learned about. If there has been such an experience for me as a clinician, it has been in the vein of managing feelings. I am hoping that this blog provides some insight about this for those of you who never seem to make it into therapy.

Who’s Responsible?

It’s pretty typical for people to blame how they feel on other people or situations. It’s getting to the point where I almost cringe internally when I hear a client say, “She makes me so angry,” or “they keep provoking me”. Interestingly enough, the onus on recognizing and managing our feelings is on US! Why is that, you ask? Well, because the experience of whatever it is we are feeling at any given time has to do with us and will change as a result of what we do with it. How can anyone else be responsible for regulating it?

Now, I’m not implying that difficult people and/or difficult situations can’t influence or effect how we feel. But, we have become so accustomed to believing that somehow it’s the people or the situations that need to shift in order for us to feel better. This is a very powerless place, people. Wouldn’t you like to actually be in charge of how you feel? Maybe it would help to understand how you got this way in the first place.

How Did This Happen?

It happened within the context of your family system, to be to the point. It happened because your parents didn’t communicate like therapists (unless they were therapists). Proper modeling of feeling regulation isn’t typical amongst most families. Within the context of our family experience, so many things are just absorbed and then repeated without our conscious awareness of what is happening.

The minute one of your parents said to you, “Stop doing that! You’re really making me angry!” they implanted this idea into your head that you are the one causing the distress. And they had this reaction to their negative feeling state because they had the same belief planted in their brain by their parents and so on. Clearly, whatever you were doing was annoying or inappropriate (more than likely) but that doesn’t mean you were responsible for how your parent actually felt.

If your mother or father would have said, “I am starting to feel angry. I do not appreciate your behavior right now so stop doing (insert bad behavior here). I believe that you can make better choices.” Now, I realize this is very generic and should be modified based on whatever the behavior is. The most important thing to take away from this example is modeling the idea of taking ownership of one’s own feelings – making those infamous “I-statements” that are part of assertive communication training.

So, we learn very early that we have some kind of control over how others feel. We start to believe we can regulate their moods – for the good or the bad. Unfortunately, the reality is that this is the biggest trap of all and generally results in poor relationship functioning in our adult lives. This type of inherited communication becomes especially problematic if you have grown up in a family where addiction is present. Why? Because two things happen in this type of family system. One is that children are often “parentified”. Which, essentially means they are made into little parents and generally assume responsibilities that are intended to be for their caregivers. If a parent lacks the ability to take care of themselves (managing their addiction, their health, their emotional states), someone generally needs to step into this role. They may become the family worrier or the child who notices when things needs to be done and makes attempts to control the situation. The second reason this family structure is problematic is that the individual with an addiction rarely takes any responsibility – personal or otherwise. Leaving family members to step in and take the blame. This sets a child up for co-dependency.

Co-Dependency Pitfalls

While codependency springs forth from care and compassion, it actually prevents growth in the people who need it the most. It is the “savior” complex and often results in an individual who is always there looking at the needs of others without regard for their own. The most common person who comes into therapy is, what I refer to as “the rock with cracks”. A codependent person is riddled with anxiety and guilt when the person -or people- they are saving are in conflict or turmoil. They find it incredibly challenging to watch the people they love “struggle” to address their own problems. Unfortunately, people learn through struggle. Ironically, because a person who is codependent is so “caring”, they are ultimately concerned with their own uncomfortable feelings. The twisted and unfortunate part for this “rock” is that ultimately you can never really control another person, or how they perceive themselves or a situation. So, what can be done?

Taking Steps

Firstly, gaining awareness of what your role is. Are you a “feeling regulator”...a “rock with cracks”? Do you find yourself limiting the things you do and say in an effort to “make” someone feel better? Or, are you a person on the other end of the spectrum who feels that others are the cause of your misery or happiness?

Once you've determined your role, the next step is to take ownership of your own feelings. Really pay attention to your mind/body experience when you feel something. Use your feelings as information to guide your communication. This can be expressed in many ways, but typically with “I” statements:

I notice that when you yell at me, I feel scared (ashamed, intimidated, frustrated, etc)

I can feel myself getting angry and I don't think it will be productive to continue having this conversation.

I'm feeling very irritable and I'm not sure why. I wonder what's triggered this.

Now, it doesn't really matter which role you're in, using the “I” statements will inherently improve your communication. Both the feeling regulator and the blamer will have trouble initially because of the following. For the regulator, expressing yourself may feel like a risk. It may feel “safer” to say things that you don't mean (I'm sorry, for example) just to end the conflict. But, stuffing your feelings will only hurt you in the long run. Certainly, it would be ideal that the person on the receiving end will listen and care about your feelings, but I find it's better just to express them for the sake of expressing. Try not to get to hung up on what you expect from the other person. Taking ownership and getting it out is what's truly important.

And, for the blamer – well, the person who is used to their feelings being someone else's fault will find difficulty in just actually admitting that this isn't the case. Typically, these individuals have been “regulated” for so long, that it's challenging for them to get out of “victim” mode. And, to some degree their ability to (believably) get what they want has been accommodated by the regulator. So, there has been a pay off for them. Sadly, it's a false pay off. It has prevented their growth and it has created a scenario where people are not truly honest with them because they do not seem capable of handing someone else's feelings. I ask those of you who are ready to admit you're in this role, don't you really want people to tell you how they honestly feel? Wouldn't it be empowering to know that even if you feel an intense emotion like anger or sadness, that you have the capability to handle it? Once you begin to make “I” statements about your feelings, you give the freedom to others to do the same. And, real communication can occur.

If You Don't Heed These Words

Well, life – especially relationships, will be hard. And by hard, I mean dramatic, conflict-ridden and unfulfilling. The universe appears to accommodate our need for growth. Basically, this means that if you're a feeling regulator you're usually attracted to a blamer. Both of you have work to do. This could be in a work, school or relationship environment. You will likely have countless challenges to practice “I” statements and gain more awareness of your feelings. If you choose not to see these opportunities as a pathway to try new things, and stay in what feels “comfortable” for you, you will likely end up unhappy and even suffer physically. If you're a regulator, your stuffed feelings will surface somehow – in passive aggressive tendencies or panic attacks or chonic physical illness. If you're a blamer – you will likely isolate yourself from having any real, intimate relationship...which sounds pretty lonely to me.

Resources

I hope this has resonated with some of you reading this today. If you'd like more information about how feelings regulation can improve your life, check out “Effective Communication Skills at: http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm

So, I believe in you – go forth and communicate your feelings effectively! Improve your life today!